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Diary of a Kenyan Uber driver: Kile uncentsored

By Wamoronjia

Some nasty side effects chomoka when an esto is rezoned from single storey cagers, trees upon which dushes wake you up, fields in which tois can play ball and cati; to flats where your jirani’s beefs become yours courtesy of juala like walls, where parking is sooo rationed like Nai water supply that you’re woken up still in a hang’i to chuck your ndai blocking ile ya aspiring MCA, and behaviours that are potential magnets for auctioneers.

Woiye, kile, ulimulikwa na rezoning and see what cut, the last side effect above has pandad mizizi like sport betting. My first experience was when this miro mothama asked me to take her pointi toi to seco after hols, after which she would kanja the fare. Jungus, pointis and chutas are banker’s cheques in this taxi biz, hawafeel hiyo vibe of “jenga mwili haribu jina.” And even berra, they don’t manga like they’re beneficiaries of Kenyans for Kenya, any dere’s shocks welcomes them kwa shangwe na vigelele like Samuel Abisai.

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So, vrooom hadi Thika Rd where that toi’s chuo was. The first thing I asked him was which route he preferred, but he was more interested in dara daraing the tenje’s stations as if zilikuwa ballot papers. I took Riverside, Chiromo, Museum Hill, Forest Rd. Good thing it was a Sunday, nyweeee. Upon fikaing his chuo, where the watchies salimia you with such courtesy that you just jua that it doesn’t qualify for the promised free secondary education gift, the bill came to a gee and some change for some cholera inducing meal, I called his mum.

Whacha aanze kuzusha “which route did you use? I thought it would come to less than that…” na kadhalika.

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The second time was when I bebad this dude from the same hood to Kiambu road, and I had to skiza his floss of how he grew up in kile back then and how elec and woday were as abundant kama “clean water” trucks za siku hizi. How he had sorted out his nephew with a ndai to jobo as a cab on another app, how he still lived in kile, but had “invested” in Kiambu road to “spread risk”, and oh, he was rushing there coz a majuu guest had last-minute booked the crib as an Air B&B, and he needed to spruce it up.

Reaching the place, he was like, “nikulipe na airtel money? Sina cash na sikuwangi na mpesa.” do Unye and “Joshua” share State House? Nkt. We agreed his “PA” would mpesa me the chumes the next day, as long as I kumbushad him mangware. Kumbuka how trump refused to release his tax returns wakati wa campaigns? Both are brothers from “another mother.” I now feel ndolo when he unleashed dat heavyweight statement ile matime: “Ukiona wao…”

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Interestingly, both customers lived near kile cop station.

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